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Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

Man, I Sound Ridiculous.

In Dear God, Personal on February 26, 2011 at 19:13

If Someone Only Knew.

I really need someone to talk to. But I have a dilemma: I don’t easily open up to people— a reason I think that makes me look like the problem-less girl (or maybe even the weird girl)I don’t want sharing my problems to people who I think don’t care at all. And the thing is, I feel and I think that the people around me won’t even bother to give a single shit even if I fall off a cliff.

I feel that I am of no importance to anyone’s life at all that is why I do not want needing people. I think I am not worthy to have someone else’s time spent on me. I don’t want to appear needy because I’m afraid that I’ll annoy the crap out of them and end up just making them leave. As much as possible, I want people needing me because that way, I feel that I am important to them, that I am wanted. Sounds silly.

However, there would always come a time that I’d feel so feeble, so weak that I would need someone by my side— like now. I feel so alone, unimportant, unwanted— I feel just so empty and I just want someone to give me a huge, warm, sincere hug. Some nights, I find myself imagining the feeling of being hugged, being loved, being wanted and just let myself sleep with that lingering thought, knowing that it won’t easily happen in real life because I’m this type of person who doesn’t open up easily to anyone because of the fear that no one actually cares.

Thus, I settle with these episodes in my head that I am with God because I know that no matter what, He will always care. He will always love you— ALWAYS.

I always picture Him wearing this long white robe with golden rope wrapped around His waist. And in this episodes I make in my head, it’s a rare thing that His face shows up, maybe a time or two but usually only His upper torso seen. Maybe because in these episodes, I imagine myself as a little kid with her dad, because I’ve been longing for this parental love that has been lately absent in my life.

It’s funny, thinking about it, all these episodes I make in my head only contain scenes including me, hugging Him around the waist and Him hugging me back with His warm embrace or Him cradling me in His big arms. All these imaginary scenes always leave me with this comfortable feeling of warmth and love driving myself to sound sleeping.

Must-listen: You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up) by Josh Groban.

Five-year-old Saudade

In Personal on February 19, 2011 at 10:38

It’s been five years, papa.

And I really, really miss you.

But I am certain you’re in a safe place—

a beautiful place called heaven

We just went out for Joshua’s grad dinner tonight

Just like how we usually go out every Sunday as a family

Though it’s sad we’re not complete right now

I learned how to play a bit of piano last summer

I can even play the whole of Green Sleeves without looking at the keys

Can’t you see me? I know you’ll be glad

I know you’ve wanted to learn how to play

I will start my third year of college this year

I can’t believe I made it this far

I am about to step into the big world though I’m still quite scared

But I remember the dream I had

You were there, sitting beside me

You told me, “You’ll go far”

I woke up teary-eyed

It is weird how time flies

People grow up, and yesterday is just part of a memory

I can still remember how you used to carry me around

Even until I was four, you carry me around like I don’t weigh a ton

I always thought of you as the strongest papa there is

I remember this man who swore to hurt you

I didn’t understand what was happening

All I know, I was screaming and crying

Worried that you’ll get hurt then you’ll sleep forever

Oh, how extremely terrified I was

I told myself I’m not going to be strong enough without you around

But I guess I was wrong, I am strong after all

I know you don’t like it when I cry

you never wanted me to be sad

I try not to but it hurts

I miss you so much

 

(Inspired from this We’re In Heaven version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTvUAbqnzzk )