Man, I Sound Ridiculous.

In Dear God, Personal on February 26, 2011 at 19:13

If Someone Only Knew.

I really need someone to talk to. But I have a dilemma: I don’t easily open up to people— a reason I think that makes me look like the problem-less girl (or maybe even the weird girl)I don’t want sharing my problems to people who I think don’t care at all. And the thing is, I feel and I think that the people around me won’t even bother to give a single shit even if I fall off a cliff.

I feel that I am of no importance to anyone’s life at all that is why I do not want needing people. I think I am not worthy to have someone else’s time spent on me. I don’t want to appear needy because I’m afraid that I’ll annoy the crap out of them and end up just making them leave. As much as possible, I want people needing me because that way, I feel that I am important to them, that I am wanted. Sounds silly.

However, there would always come a time that I’d feel so feeble, so weak that I would need someone by my side— like now. I feel so alone, unimportant, unwanted— I feel just so empty and I just want someone to give me a huge, warm, sincere hug. Some nights, I find myself imagining the feeling of being hugged, being loved, being wanted and just let myself sleep with that lingering thought, knowing that it won’t easily happen in real life because I’m this type of person who doesn’t open up easily to anyone because of the fear that no one actually cares.

Thus, I settle with these episodes in my head that I am with God because I know that no matter what, He will always care. He will always love you— ALWAYS.

I always picture Him wearing this long white robe with golden rope wrapped around His waist. And in this episodes I make in my head, it’s a rare thing that His face shows up, maybe a time or two but usually only His upper torso seen. Maybe because in these episodes, I imagine myself as a little kid with her dad, because I’ve been longing for this parental love that has been lately absent in my life.

It’s funny, thinking about it, all these episodes I make in my head only contain scenes including me, hugging Him around the waist and Him hugging me back with His warm embrace or Him cradling me in His big arms. All these imaginary scenes always leave me with this comfortable feeling of warmth and love driving myself to sound sleeping.

Must-listen: You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up) by Josh Groban.

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